obstetrics and gynecology

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we started our clinical posting in the obstetrics and gynecology ward of Hospital Putrajaya today and got a very challenging response from one particular specialist who asked us question after question and was never satisfied with our answer. He told us we are still not serious and we need to solat tahjud. Which is fair, i certainly wasn't serious today. So for the first time in my life, i clerked and examined 9 patients in a day ( 4 of them were discharged that very afternoon, coz they were post partum ) urgh..thus tomorrow i will have to clerk and examine at least 4 more..

to tell u the truth, i love the theory connected to OnG, i think it's one of the most understandable topics in medicine. However, it's the practical i dread. You see, in my line of work, we see A LOT OF MOTHERS. mothers who are expecting, mothers who miscarriage ( like there is a patient who miscarriaged one of her twins - Innalillah ), mothers who find out their children have chromosomal defects, and ladies who want to be mothers so much, try very hard but find it difficult. i have already met at least 5 people who had/will have a tough time to get pregnant although Alhamdulillah two already have children.

in third year, everytime i watched a miscarriage i would cry. i saw a stillbirth one and forced myself not to cry infront of the DSH neonatologist because i wanted to be professional but the fact is, the second he turned around i wiped them away. in my defense, it's what makes me human.

the thing is, i don't know if this is rational or not but what i don't like comes mainly from the fact that i am terrified i might go through the same thing as them. will i be able to be as strong as they are? will i have the support i need when i cry?
secondly, is because i do not want to get a mothers hopes down. when i conduct a delivery, i want to be the one who does it perfectly and it scares the hell out of me.

on a lighter note, what i LOVE about OnG is when i am in the labour room and i see the husband kissing his wife tenderly as she gives birth to their child, the face of the respected mother when she holds her child for the first time and the look on a new expectant mothers face after trying for so long. i guess thats what makes a specialist choose this field. there, words from my soul.

enough with this babbling. let's study!